If email were a person, it would be an adult dressed in a teenager’s clothes, desperately trying to stay relevant. Despite being 55 years old and having been surpassed by numerous developments in communication technologies, its functionality remains largely the same as when it was first widely adopted. Unfortunately, so does the etiquette surrounding it.
Whereas other forms of communication have long since dispensed with unnecessary textual tassels, email communication styles still lean closer to telegram than a text. Since I last checked, almost no one relishes receiving a new email – unless it’s informing you of a significant cash windfall that means you can, in fact, now quit your job and stop using it altogether. Yet, for some reason, many people start their responses with “Thank you for your email!” I would put this forward as one of the least convincing sentences in the English language.
At the other end of the page is one of the most common yet totally unnecessary habits of the digital age: the email signoff. For those who haven’t yet realised, I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to sign your name at the end of an email – I can already see it’s from you. I know your name. Outlook has gone to extraordinary lengths to tell me your name. It’s in my inbox, the “from” field and the thread, and I probably begrudgingly addressed my last email directly to you.
And then there is whatever form of final flourish you see fit to precede that with. To me, the whole concept of “regards” – kind, best or otherwise – is archaic and overly formal, not far from sealing the whole thing with a wax stamp and dispatching it via horse. But worse are the new ways of signing things off. “In solidarity”, “Keep dreaming” and the ultimate Covid-era classic: “hope you’re staying positive and testing negative”. This reaches its logical conclusion with the use of “KR” as a signoff. We have begun to admit that we don’t actually feel enough “kind regards” to type the words any more – and yet, the convention rolls on.
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That’s to say nothing of email signatures, which now routinely exceed the length of the emails they are attached to. Name, job title, mobile number, office number, LinkedIn profile, logo, environmental disclaimer, confidentiality notice, statement about working hours and a quote from Maya Angelou. All appended to an email saying: “Running 5 mins late!”
However, I appreciate that we must retain some means of expressing digital distaste, such is the harsh reality of the world of work. Therefore, the only use of the word “regards” I will permit is the one placed at the end of an email to communicate blunt and absolute hostility towards the recipient.
With absolutely no regards,
Tom
