These are the doggiest of dog days. Times when hours turn into days and almost nothing happens in between. Days of precious R&R, when only a few politicians venture out, and then only to fend off accusations they are doing next to nothing and prove they are still alive. Much like the rest of us. The silliest days of the silly season. Days that are made for men like Richard Tice.
There are some politicians who have the gift of sounding as if they know what they are talking about. There are those who you suspect are bullshitting but still give the benefit of the doubt. Then there are the ones you only have to look at to know they are completely clueless in every way. Never within the same postcode as plausibility. A walking miracle because somehow they have managed to persuade their party association and constituency voters that what they really need is someone who is visibly dim and incompetent. August gives us space to celebrate these men and women. None more so than Dicky. The apex male of stupidity. The idiot’s idiot.
It’s not clear if there has ever been much point to Dicky. Other than to encourage other halfwits that they can make half a name for themselves in public life providing they are blessed with plenty of cash and a total absence of self-awareness. Dicky likes to moan about diversity, equality and inclusion policies while remaining totally oblivious to the fact that were life to be a genuine meritocracy, he wouldn’t even make it to the starting line.
But that’s not to say Dicky doesn’t have his uses. A man with no idea of his own limitations could be just what Nigel Farage was looking for. The perfect beta supplicant who could be relied upon to do whatever he was told. Just as long as the instructions were crystal clear. There were no complaints from Dicky when just before the 2024 general election, Nige decided he was going to be Reform party leader after all.
Dicky knew his place. He smiled like the Mr Congeniality he hoped to be. Life was going quite well up until the Guardian revealed the £5m gift to Nige from Thai crypto billionaire Christopher Harborne. Then the Sunday Times got in on the act with its reporting that if Farage became leader, Reform would repay or write off loans it received from Tice’s company in a deal presented by Farage and convicted fraudster George Cottrell. Things really began to fall apart.
The last few months haven’t been kind either to Reform or Dicky. One misstep after another. The party has been sliding in the polls, has called a byelection in Clacton which achieved little more than delaying an investigation by the parliamentary watchdog and handing 9,500 votes to a man with a bin on his head. As for Nige, he’s chosen to keep a much lower profile ever since he failed to come up with a plausible explanation for why he needed so much money. He didn’t even bother to attend the Clacton count, instead spending the night dancing with Dicky at Farage Fest.
All of which has made life tricky for Dicky. Reform have needed someone to step up and fill the vacuum left by Nige and the only one who has been consistently available has been Tice. And replacing one vacuum with another doesn’t really cut it. Their combative home affairs spokesperson Zia Yusuf has been sidelined, Lee Anderson has kept a low profile and the others don’t really count. Nige had high hopes for Robert Jenrick but Reform’s ratings plummet every time Honest Bob makes an appearance.
Which may be why Dicky was sent out with Honest Bob on Monday to try and dilute the animosity. Only it didn’t quite work out as Dicky rather stole Jenrick’s thunder. Because what people took away from Reform’s press conference wasn’t that Dicky would quite like benefits claimants to clean the high streets, it was that Dicky was thoroughly enjoying the extreme hot weather.
While the rest of the country was worried about drought and wildfires, and farmers were predicting armageddon, Dicky was having the time of his life. Forget the pint of beer that he has to drink when photographed with the riff-raff, Dicky was thrilled he would soon be able to neck vintage English fizzy wines that were better than champagne. When all things were considered, climate change was really just a state of mind. You could either get all doom and gloom about it. Or you could pretend it wasn’t really an issue, that attempts to combat it were a complete waste of time and try to make the most of it. We should all go out and have a barbecue. What was one more fire among so many?
Now try to imagine just how half-witted you have to be to actually say that. It’s bad enough thinking it. After all, we know that Kemi Badenoch appears to have much the same attitude as she plans to throw any Tories who believe in net zero targets out of the party. But even she knows better than to say any of this while there is a national emergency in place: however much it goes against her better judgment. But Dicky has no such qualms. Just says it as he sees it. Why worry about the state of the planet in 25 years time? As far as he is concerned all we have is today. Make hay while the sun shines. Only we can’t because the fields are burned.
So we are left with a conundrum. Were silly seasons always quite this silly? Does Dicky actually believe a word of what he says? Or has he infantilised himself so much by talking nonsense that he no longer knows what’s true. Or maybe he’s a secret agent, playing the long game to bring down Reform. The more you see of Dicky, the less there is.
