It’s a day late, but please observe a two-minute silence for Nigel Farage. Lest we forget. Sad to say, but Nige just hasn’t been quite the same since Sunday’s Remembrance service at the Cenotaph. Like me, you might have thought that he had been in Whitehall to honour those who had died in two world wars and subsequent armed conflicts. Only it turns out he was really there to commemorate himself.
Through his personal valet, Richard Tice, Nige has let it be known that he was extremely angry with the BBC’s coverage of the service. The cameras had spent too long lingering on the faces of the king, other members of the royal family and prime ministers past and present. When what they should have been focused on throughout was Nige. He was the one we were all there to see. The man who had done more for his country than anyone else. To have disrespected him in this way was unforgivable. Let’s hope the BBC has got its act together by next year.
That’s not all. These are tough times for the Reform leader. He’s furious about a lot of things. He’s furious the polls show his party in third place on 20%. Clear establishment bias. Though oddly he was perfectly happy when the same polls showed him 10 points clear of Labour and the Tories. He’s spitting mad that he has had to part ways with the Reform’s general secretary who had been in charge of vetting. Turns out the vetting that Nige had insisted was the best in the country turned out to have been conducted by someone who was the opposite. Schrödinger would have something to say about that.
Then there are Nige’s links to Russell Brand. Guess which politician was happy to go on the now convicted rapist’s podcast, long after allegations against him had become public knowledge and no one else would touch him with a barge pole? That’s right. It’s Nige. Because if Reform is about anything it’s “family, community, country”. And no one sums up “family, community, country” more than Russell. It wasn’t clear whether Russell thought he was there to forgive Nige or the other way round. Or just two narcissists in need of attention.
So it wasn’t altogether a surprise to find that Nige was laying low this week. Perhaps he was just trying to negotiate an appearance on the podcast of another celebrity accused of using his fame to have sex with vulnerable younger women. There seem to be a lot of them around. Or maybe Nige just fancied a break. Needed time to come to terms with the disappointment of only being on screen for a few seconds as he laid his wreath. Whatever the case, it was the Reform B Team that got sent to Thursday’s rally in Wolverhampton. An hour of everyone’s time they will never get back.
First up was Dicky Tice. The person of so little talent or personality that he would still only be the warm-up act if he was the only person on the bill. It’s hard to think of any politician who is so pleased to be so empty-headed. Trying to explain away the cost of living rise of food over the past 10 years as the result of a packaging tax. Dicky, Dicky, Dicky. Please let someone talk you through the costs of Brexit, the wars in Ukraine and Iran – for which you were a cheerleader – and fertiliser and energy costs. There again, this is probably well above his pay grade.
Next up was Zia Yusuf. An altogether more terrifying prospect. Not because he is any brighter or more credible, but because he seems to have been taking acting lessons from Bruno Ganz in Downfall. Every sentence begins with a shout, getting ever louder before reaching a crescendo yell. To be fair to him, it’s possible he’s a bit deaf and this is the only way he can hear himself talk. In which case, someone should help him out.
Zia is also a one-trick pony. Everyone is against him and it’s all the fault of foreigners. “THE ESTABLISHMENT ARE OUT TO GET US,” he shrieked. More upset that no journalists had investigated the Tories and Labour than Reform being found to be packed with racists and dodgy donations. “WE ARE GOING NOWHERE,” he concluded. I wasn’t quite sure that was the message he intended for his audience of largely elderly men and women who had nothing better to do at 3pm on a Tuesday afternoon. But it was hard to disagree. With men like Dicky and Zia in charge, it feels as if Reform have stalled.
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Not forgetting Robert Jenrick. When I tell you that Honest Bob was the headline speaker, you can imagine just how disappointing the whole rally was. Honest Bob is that breed of career politician who will never be able to shake off the shackles of career politician. He knows nothing about anything and has done nothing of any real interest. He wants to bore you into submission. To get you to forget his record as a failed Tory and try to believe that he gives a shit about anyone but himself.
Still, if you can bore your way to economic growth, then Honest Bob is the man we need. Just endless platitudes about how much he loves the Black Country and how he is going to turn it into a “special economic zone”. Hint: he isn’t. Nothing he says is going to happen. No one is going to trust him to be chancellor. Chancer, maybe. Above all, there is the cheek. He complained about the levels of child poverty in the Midlands, willing us all to forget that he has proposed to restore the two-child benefit cap. Come the end, the applause was mostly relief that it was finally all over. Wolverhampton could breathe again.
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On Tuesday 1 December, join John Crace and Pippa Crerar as they skewer the biggest stories from Westminster and beyond, as part of the Guardian’s year in review event. Joined by fellow Guardian writers, expect candid conversations, witty remarks and surprises as they look back on the year-defining stories of 2026. Book tickets here or at theguardian.live
