Monday
In hindsight it might have been more, shall we say, diplomatic if Donald Trump had taken a few deep breaths after finding out that he had been overlooked for the Nobel peace prize for the second year running before virtually declaring war on Norway. But maybe we should just be grateful that he refrained from rubbishing the South African human rights activist Navi Pillay, who picked up the award, and shelved his plans to livestream the execution of the Norwegian prize committee. There again, you can understand the US president’s frustration. For it’s hard to think of someone who has done more to make the world a safer place. Where would we be had not The Donald started a war with Iran which he shows no sign of knowing how to finish and which has forced up the price of global energy? And it was so good to see Trump intervening so positively in Russia’s war with Ukraine by appearing to side with the aggressor. These are just the things that everyone is looking for in a Nobel peace prize. The US president is also put out that no one has noticed he has personally ended eight global conflicts: though it would be helpful if he could let us know which ones they are as the rest of us are in the dark. Are they ones he has personally started – Trump appears disappointed that Argentina hasn’t invaded the Falklands again – or ones that only he knows about. During a press conference at Chequers in 2025, he claimed to have brought a lasting peace between Albania and Azerbaijan. Maybe there’s other wars ongoing we just don’t know about. Perhaps Australia and New Zealand have been bombing each other for years with neither side noticing. And perhaps the border between France and Italy has been a no-go zone ever since the fight between Zinedine Zidane and Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final. But there is some good news. Trump looks a cert to retain Gianni Infantino’s Fifa peace prize – if only because it seems likely to be scrapped, making him the only winner.
Tuesday
We may be facing higher levels of global threat and rising energy costs this autumn, but the political outlook isn’t totally bleak. You’d need to have a major sense of humour failure not to be enjoying Reform sliding in the polls and falling out with one another. Things seemed to start going wrong when the Guardian exposed Nigel Farage’s £5m bung from the Thai-based crypto-billionaire Christopher Harborne. To this day, Nige has not been able to come up with a convincing explanation of how the money would be spent. Other than maintaining an expensive lifestyle. Then there was the Channel 4 sting when two of Farage’s closest political allies were caught allegedly trying to take an illegal overseas donation. Nige’s excuse was that he wasn’t listening while he had a conversation with the donor. Who hasn’t dozed off when there’s £500,000 at stake? Since then everyone in Reform appears hell-bent on being the worst versions of themselves – not that hard – as the party loses support by tacking ever further to the right. On Monday, Robert Jenrick declared that he would personally be happy to give the order for the Royal Navy to blow every small boat crossing the Channel out of the water. This was too much for Zia Yusuf. Zia is widely loathed within the Reform elite but no one has found a way of saying no to his money, so he gets to call himself the bogus title of shadow home secretary. His main objection to Honest Bob’s plan is that he wasn’t the one to think of it first. Nor does he consider Honest Bob and Suella Braverman as true members of Reform, because they are tainted for ever by having been Tory ministers. Meanwhile, Nige just sits back and pockets the money. Seemingly unable to stop his party collapsing around him.
Wednesday
After several years of consultation, the Bank of England has announced the four animals, insects and birds that will appear on the new banknotes. What goes on what denomination has yet to be decided, but the ones chosen are the European hedgehog, the barn owl, the buff-tailed bumblebee and the Atlantic puffin. And while I’d have quite liked to have seen my much-missed dog Herbie, who died last year, on one of the notes, they all seem like reasonable choices to me. I guess the last thing the Bank wanted was to start a war between cat and dog lovers. But not everyone is happy. Partly because they are mad but mostly because they don’t apparently understand how the selection process worked. It was the public who got to choose both the theme of the banknotes and the actual creatures. Needless to say, leading the charge against the new notes are Kemi Badenoch and Nigel Farage, who see the hedgehog and the puffin as some kind of woke symbols. A country going to the barn owls and the bumblebees. They have moaned, what was wrong with having Winston Churchill? Are we now ashamed of our past? No, you complete halfwits. You don’t have to plaster Churchill’s face on everything to prove you are British. Most of us are secure enough in our identity not to need countless flags and symbols as a reminder. It’s just nice to have a change from time to time. And how many people used to see Churchill’s face on a £5 note and feel a well of pride every time you wanted to buy a sandwich? For that matter, how many people even use cash these days? Mind you, this could all change. Once AI has mined all our data from our emails and bank accounts we could be back to a cash and letter-writing society.
Thursday
In one of his last conversations with a close friend, Jeffrey Archer was asked if he had any regrets. While he admitted to having some flaws, Archer went on to say that there was nothing he would change. I find that remarkable. I’m not expecting him to apologise for having invented so much of his life – a fantasist is going to fantasise – and he had every right to be proud of how many books he had sold. But not to feel a tiny bit of regret about having lied on oath and being sent to prison for a couple of years. Or feel guilty for the lives he ruined as a result of his lies. That feels borderline sociopathic. The sort of thing you might expect of a Donald Trump. Isn’t it human to wish you had done some things differently, especially when you’re getting nearer to the end of your life? I’ve been thinking about this now I’ve turned 70. There’s a lot about my life that I love – my family, my friends, my job – but I have a lasting sadness and guilt about my 20s that I find hard to forgive. The waste, the self-destruction, the damage I did to myself and others. Many of those who knew me had doubts I would even live to 30. I had those doubts, too. And sometimes didn’t much care either way. So yes, I have a whole decade I would love to have done differently. The repair job has been a lifetime’s work and it’s still ongoing. It will probably always be thus. .
Friday
The Celebrity Traitors continues to be addictive television. A class above the civilian version, partly because we all know something about the celebs, but mainly because the game is different. The civilians are playing for money, the celebs are playing for extended screen time. That’s why Amol Rajan was gutted to be banished inside 24 hours. The one exception was Richard E Grant, who didn’t care one way or the other. Since his wife died he’s become more disinhibited. The worst has already happened to him. Halfway in, Maya Jama and James Acaster are making great traitors. Maya because she’s so hard to read as her face doesn’t move, James because he genuinely believes he’s too nice to be a traitor while stabbing his friends in the back. I’m amazed Jerry Hall is still in. Not because she’s particularly suspicious but more because she’s incredibly annoying. And why has no one asked her what it was like being married to Rupert Murdoch? The faithful who is playing a blinder is Sharon Rooney. So far she has said and done nothing to attract the film crew, which means she’s likely to be around for a while yet. Being boring is not a bad strategy. I’d like to see a version of The Traitors for politicians – it could be filmed during the summer recess – and in my forthcoming shows at the Birmingham MAC on 31 October and the Huntingdon theatre in Worcester on 26 November, I will be inviting the audience to offer suggestions for possible contestants. So please come along and let’s see if we can make it happen.
