Sometimes the world can be very unfair. As though life is just one cruel joke. How else to make sense of everything? For when the history books come to be written, Nigel Farage will go down as one of the century’s unluckiest politicians.
Poor Nige. All he has ever wanted is a better Britain. A country united in a shared vision where everyone gets along with one another. Where people of all faiths and none look out for each other. Where men and women of all colours are treated as equals. Where Nige can teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.
So why do so many bad things keep happening to such a good person? Where’s the justice in that? How come Nige has been given a lead role in the rewrite of Little Britain’s Book of Job. Nige as a latter day Old Testament prophet put on Earth to show us all the value of eternal suffering. Because Nige is a decent man. The very best of us. And yet time and again he is made to feel pain. No more so than in the last few months.
First there was the money. Few would have batted an eyelid if he had been given £5m by the RNLI. For all he has done to support the work that unpaid volunteers do in rescuing all people in trouble on the sea. Let’s face it, a modern day ministry doesn’t pay for itself and no demigod-like politician can expect to get by on less than £1m a year. Those houses and bottles of champagne aren’t going to pay for themselves. Yet because the £5m came from a Thai crypto-billionaire, suddenly everyone was asking difficult questions. Anyone would think Reform might have crypto-friendly policies.
Then there was the Channel 4 sting. And yet again our Messiah was the innocent victim of an establishment plot. Compared to Nige, Jesus had it easy in Holy Week. How could he be expected to realise that two associates whom he had barely known for years might allegedly be trying to secure an illegal donation from overseas? And what were the chances that Nige might be caught on camera giving considered responses as part of a conversation he hadn’t even been listening to? Some days you just can’t buy a break.
On Thursday morning, Farage had been scheduled to host a press conference near Southend where we were promised he would spread goodwill to all men with yet another major policy announcement. Only for the event to be cancelled late on Wednesday evening. The official reason given was that Reform didn’t want to clash with the fifth anniversary of the murder of the former Southend MP David Amess. Yet more bad luck for Nige. Imagine only being given five years’ notice to plan your schedule.
Or perhaps there was another reason for the cancellation. One related to another sting, this time by ITV, that had sent undercover journalists into the Reform operations room and uncovered the only bad apples in the entire organisation. Again, what were the chances of finding racists and misogynists attracted to a party that loved women and people of all colours?
How could this ever have happened? The chances were slimmer than winning the EuroMillions lottery. And surely had nothing to do with Nige’s would-be chancellor, Honest Bob Jenrick, saying he would consider allowing soldiers to be able to blow up migrants in small boats in the Channel. What’s wrong with killing a few thousand people for the sake of a greater good? The country is just too woke for its own good sometimes. Then there’s the wannabe home secretary Zia Yusuf, who is on a one-man mission to round up all immigrants – even women and children – and send them back to countries where they may be killed. So again we are left with the question. Why are so many racists attracted to Reform?
Let’s take Dean Miller. A vetted Reform councillor from Bromley who was filmed campaigning during the Makerfield byelection. Quite how extensive the vetting process was is anyone’s guess. “Tell us, Dean. Are you in any way prejudiced against people of colour?”. “Absolutely not. I just don’t want them anywhere near me.” “That’s great. Thanks Dean. Welcome to Reform.”
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Anyway, Dean was caught on camera saying that it was kill or be killed with illegal immigrants. “They’re all fucking black and they’re like animals,” he said. “I’m not a racist, but you know what I mean.” Yes, Dean. We know exactly what you mean. And he couldn’t have been clearer about his intentions towards the king. Charles was a Muslim and deserved to be beheaded. It’s a view.
When Miller was asked for a comment before the film is aired this weekend, his defence was that he had been on heavy medication at the time. And suddenly that all made sense. Because I too am on regular medication both for my psyche and for my heart. So I chose to reread the common known side effects of one of my drugs. And there among the small print about causing faster breathing, fever, muscle stiffness and drowsiness, one thing stood out. “Never take in the presence of a black person or royalty. Can make you prone to racist outbursts and in extreme cases can provoke urges to kill the monarch.” I guess I must just have been extremely lucky so far.
Miller was not the only one to have been caught out this way. Others – also apparently vetted – declared that all foreigners were parasites, that the UK should have a 1% limit on all immigrants and made disgusting comments about a female Reform councillor. Raymond Dunning said he was so far-far right it was unbelievable. Then there were those who thought it best to try to sound moderate until after they had been elected. Then the gloves would come off and they could give foreigners hell.
And in the middle of all this we have the saintly Nige. Scratching his head and wondering why all this was happening to him again. He hadn’t come in to politics to stir grievance and division. He was the god of love, the man of peace. Others among the Reform elite knew exactly where the blame lay. And it wasn’t with the innocent men who had been caught saying the only racist and sexist words they had ever said. Dicky Tice and the former Tory MP Ben Bradley were pointing the finger at ITV for daring to do its job properly. It was outrageous they had recorded Reform councillors going about their everyday jobs. Every man and woman was entitled to be as racist as they like in the comfort of their workplace.
For now, Nige was determined to rise above it. He would survive. He was doing God’s work. Just a shame that God didn’t seem to like him much.
