There’s something about Kemi Badenoch making a keynote speech – everything she does comes billed as keynote these days – about defence that makes most normal people a little nervous. Because when Kemi talks about defence, what’s really on her mind is war. Starting one, if possible.
Kemi is never happier than when picking a fight. With herself, if no one else is around. You get the feeling that, left on a desert island she would be dreaming of Apocalypse Now. Flying low over the Mekong delta in a helicopter gunship, the Ride of the Valkyries playing through her earphones while she yelled: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
Still, you can’t blame an opposition leader for opportunism. It’s the crumbs they live off. And the Tories reckon they have identified a Labour weakness. John Healey resigned as defence secretary a few months back over Keir Starmer’s reluctance to come up with a plan of spending 3% of GDP on defence by 2030.
Now that Andy Burnham has appointed him chancellor, Healey seems suddenly rather reluctant to make the commitment he was asking of Rachel Reeves. Much happier to be pushed back to the longer-term goal of 3.5% by 2035, with the heavy lifting being done sometime, maybe never, after the next election. There are some decisions politicians choose to defer indefinitely.
It’s possible Healey will surprise us all and announce he is resigning again in protest at his own refusal to meet the 2030 target. But as of today he’s still very much in No 11 and, after some confusion at Wednesday’s prime minister’s questions, the government position is the 2035 deadline.
So Kemi and a few members of her shadow cabinet decamped to the slightly surreal setting of Scotland House London – the inside looks like a greenhouse and is about as sweaty – to tell the country it was 2030 or bust. If we delayed any longer, we would all be dead. If the Russians didn’t kill us, she would. The future of the world depended on her.
Andrew Griffith, Kemi’s new shadow chancellor, made the introductions. You’d have imagined he might be a little embarrassed about his part in writing the Liz Truss mini-budget and his vociferous support for it thereafter, but he isn’t a man much given to self-reflection. Rather, it’s as though he imagines he is doing us all a favour by sharing his brilliance. He started by paying tribute to his predecessor. Poor Mel Stride. Loyal but expendable. Kemi has just revealed her full shadow ministerial team and The Melster is about the only Tory MP not included in Kemi’s new shadow ministerial team.
Then came Kemi. Wake up, peeps, she said. We were as good as at war already. Cyber-attacks. Russian drones on Leipzig airport. A Russian attack on a Nato country nailed on for the next few years. She marvelled at Poland for its 300,000-strong army. That was the kind of country she wanted to lead. She forgot to mention that if she had been prime minister we would probably have been at war earlier this year. She had been all for joining Donald Trump’s war on Iran. It could have been us who killed some women and children at a wedding party this week. What an opportunity missed.
It was all very black and white. If we spent 3% we would all definitely be safe. The Russians and other hostile countries would immediately back off. But a penny less and they would attack for sure. They could spot weakness. So Kemi was preparing for war. She would not shy away from sending men and women to possibly pointless deaths. There would be many more corners of foreign fields that would be forever England.
Just as arbitrary was how this was all to be paid for. It’s almost become axiomatic in rightwing circles that the extra money for defence should be found by cutting the welfare bill. In other words, it’s the poorest and most vulnerable people who will be funding the military. This drew applause from the large audience. All of whom looked as though they were quite comfortably off and would therefore be spared the pain of making any sacrifices themselves. Which is exactly how they like it. That’s what makes them proud to be British.
When it came to the details of where the savings were to be made, Kemi came over all vague. Mumble, mumble. Moving on. Though most of us could have sworn that some of the cuts had already been announced last year and that she was effectively trying to spend the same money twice. But Kemi was adamant that Helen Whately, the shadow work and pensions secretary, had been all over the details and that nothing had been left to chance. Which wasn’t quite as reassuring as Kemi had hoped.
There was also a commitment to save the money from a Chagos deal that had yet to be agreed and hadn’t even been spent. If I filled in my tax return with such creativity, HMRC would have some questions. But it’s the leader of the opposition and none of this may ever happen so none of this really matters. Kemi ended with a sneer at cheaper bus fares – why can’t people take taxis – and a whole list of taxes she would either abolish or cut. Weirdly, she didn’t think to end the pension triple lock, which most economists think is the only sane thing to do. The audience wouldn’t have been so keen on that.
All this was said with an effortless confidence. Even when she was talking nonsense and contradicting herself. I guess you could call that Kemi’s USP. Her answers to questions about why anyone should bother to listen – when it had been the Tories who had hollowed out the defence budget over the past 14 years – varied from the peace dividend, to everyone had done it, to it had been nothing to do with her and the Conservatives were starting again from scratch. Ground zero does a lot of heavy lifting for Kemi these days.
On one thing she was clear. Are we going to war? asked a reporter from the Express. Hell, yeah, said Kemi. Just watch me. She wouldn’t rest until every child could sleep safe in their bed while missiles were raining down across Britain. It was just a shame that for some kids, those beds might no longer be their own. Kicked out of their homes and forced into insecure accommodation the councils can’t afford. Still, I guess they can get used to a cardboard box. That will teach them to adopt welfare as a lifestyle.
